To this day I am still amazed by the different personalities dogs and cats possess. From afar they are all alike. Cats are a tiny version of a top land predator and dogs are man’s best friend. Cats symbolically are girls and dogs are boys. (No, they are not bothered by gender identity, they are too busy catching prey or making their hoomans happy.)

From one generation to the next, one can see the preprogramming so that by birth they are more prepared than their hooman for their new relationship. Both dogs and cats instinctively know that when their hoomans are in the bathroom, this is the exact moment that we should have deep intellect exchanges. Unfortunately, they don’t know that most hoomans are completely unable to communicate this way. (Maybe cats have this figured out, hence their glare of contempt when they gaze our way?) (And dogs are just happy to share a quiet moment with theirs.)

My cat’s vocabulary is beyond belief and my dog’s, well it’s a work in progress. The conversations I have with my cat are sometimes humorous, sometimes adorable and sometimes insulting. The exchanges with my dog primarily centers around chew toys, dog farts and eating branches, at least in the puppy stage. Oh yeah, my cat also looks at my dog with contempt.

I suspect that I am either lectured or praised several times a day. My cat, I have deduced, has borderline personality disorder, and my dog suffers from bipolar. My cat is often caught saying “I hate you, don’t leave me!” and my dog is manic, telling me just how wonderful I am, whenever I enter the room and then depressed when I exit.

According to my cat I fail at most everything, but she still loves me. It’s kinda like “a face only a mother could love.” I’m the hooman that only she can love, and I need to be grateful. Her food needs an upgrade, I don’t clean her litter box fast enough or often enough, I don’t scratch behind her ears enough or I’m doing it wrong, the blanket was moved to a place not pre-approved, or it lacks bundles of her fur, and I don’t accurately predict what she wants, ever.

My dog on the other paw is the exact opposite. He’s just happy being next to me, with my hand in his mouth if possible. I am such an amazing cook that he wants to eat everything I make. My feet smell so good that he wants to smell and ingest my shoes. My body order is so intoxicating that he wants to use my dirty laundry as his bed.

They are amazing stalkers too. My cat stalks everything but me and my dog stalks nothing but me. I’m either receiving no attention or too much.

With all of that being said, I know that I enable them. For when my cat rubs up against my leg or attempts to smother me with her fur, as she purrs away, at that moment its all well worth it. And when the first thing I see when I wake up is my dog, wagging his tail, and impatiently waiting for a sign of life, I know that I am loved.

So while I am criticized with words or phrases like: too slow, too fast, amazing, wonderful, dirty, intoxicating, unappreciative, God-like, lowly servant, clingy, and a pure joy to be around, I somehow manage to keep both happy, keeping my place and peace in the house.

E.T. Aka Annie