I used to think that everything about me was evident. I’m constantly outing my most humble moments, rather proudly too. I tell people about how often I mindlessly try to open my front door with my car fob. I admit to my mistakes because I see them as mistakes, not immortal sins. I also see them as funny, if not hysterical. I reserve the right to have high standards for my morals and my actions towards others, not the daily blunder that sometimes produces a bit of blood. I have very high expectations when no one is watching, when I don’t answer to anyone but that person looking back at me in my mirror.
I really thought this for years, that what people saw was the real me. Oh how I was wrong. For some reason I didn’t realize that people really didn’t share any depth, that what I often saw was what they wanted me to see. I couldn’t and still don’t understand why people would spend so much time presenting a false narrative. Exactly who benefits from such efforts, who?
There are two types of folks: those who share the real them and those who show a representative of who they wish they were. I try to avoid the latter because I can’t trust their motives. I know, it sounds paranoid. Guess what, I am.
Part of dealing with a mental illness is faking normal. I used to try to act normal, but all I was doing was telling a false narrative. Trying to remember how to act, what to say or not say, what to do nor not do…it was endless. And in the end all that I succeeded in doing was hating myself. I already had a head full of demons, I didn’t need to add to the mix.
I’ve managed to tame the demons to a degree. They aren’t screaming in my head anymore, mostly. The big change is simply that I don’t share with everyone what was/is going on inside. TMI! I also practiced looking past what people said and listened for the message. Oh how I wish folks could know how difficult it was/is for me to do this. I am only able to do it for a few hours at a time and only twice a week.
Why might someone hide their symptoms you ask? Because I was tired of being treated like a burden, a debutante, emotional, or paranoid. I never wanted special treatment, I just wanted to be accepted “as is”. Besides, I don’t think I would change if offered an opportunity. I am blessed to see past the insignificant and mundane, allowed to appreciate the small things around me and to find happiness where everyone else is focused on their place in society.
Yes, I appreciate that I grouped everyone together. My mind doesn’t allow for others, my thinking and thoughts are exclusive. For this reason I’m only responsible for me. So if you aren’t part of the everyone I suggest you be responsible and speak up.