Some time ago I gave into my wondering thoughts. Knowing that they were mere atoms bouncing around in my head I saw no harm in following them, wherever they bounced. A Thinkabout is what I called it, and an undertaking of the highest peril, and of the highest reward.

Most, I would gather, feared the possible dangers to their physical health when contemplating an adventure. I feared my mind, the truths I believed it told me and the lies they revealed. Which was worse, physical damage that would most likely heal or mental illness, the kind that followed one to the grave? To each their own.

Within my mind there were no limitations, no boundaries, nothing I couldn’t accomplish. I could fly above the tallest mountain, and venture to the empty depths of the ocean. I could experience the inside of a tornado or the fierce power of an avalanche. I could talk to the animals, great or small, and converse with entities more enlightened and wiser than the wisest of us all.

My true desire was to understand past the limits of my mortal being, beyond what we humans arrogantly accept to be the sum and the whole of our world. But, unfortunately, the truth isn’t always picture perfect or beautiful. It can be brutal and maiming. It can rip apart our confidence and leave a distaste that is unbearable. It can even take away our sanity.

At night, when I was alone with my thoughts, I feared the dark. Or more precisely I feared what my imagination would fabricate within that darkness. The power of our mind, what thoughts and ideas it can conjure up, good or bad, surpasses anything in this physical world. Just read Dante’s Inferno, his descriptive concept of hell, to appreciate that statement.

To appreciate that which we can become we must also appreciate that which we strive to not be. To know the depths of our malevolence, to look inside that echo-less chasm, to walk the walk of a merciless hellion, is to know the magnitude of our own ugliness and too that of our own grace.

So, I would love to say that I have seen the worst in me and am now focusing on just being my best. But I am human. I’m sure I will stumble upon more darkness before my journey is complete.

 

E.T. Aka Annie